The Professor
Many have asked why my better half (and the reason I’m on this island) gets the pseudonym “The Professor”. The short answer is: Gilligan’s Island, which is Guam’s nickname according to a few colleagues of The Professor (mine, that is).
The long answer starts with a confession: I have never seen a single episode of Gilligan’s Island. I realize this is A Big Deal for many. I realize that this is a major landmark of American culture. The Professor himself (mine, that is) searched in vain for an episode for me to watch online the other day. I’m not unaware of the show’s importance, and I’ve seen the movie Dazed and Confused where they dissect some of the characters. See transcript below. (I would have linked to the video, but both Hulu and IMDB think I’m in another country. I think this is why we couldn’t find that episode. Little do they know I’m Where America’s Day Begins!)
Shavonne Wright: What the hell are you talking about girl?
Kaye Faulkner: Didn’t even think about it did you?
Shavonne Wright: Gilligan’s Island?
Kaye Faulkner: It’s what called a male pornographic fantasy.
Shavonne Wright: [laughs] Oh my haha
Kaye Faulkner: Think about it! You’re basically alone on a deserted island with 2 readily available women. One, a seductive sex goddess type. The other… a healthy girl-next-door-type with a nice butt. So the men have it all, the Madonna and the whore. Women get nothing! We get a geek, an overweight middle-age guy, and a nerdy scientific type.
Jodi: [interrupts] The professor… is sexy.
Thinking “The Professor” might be a good code name, I turn to where everyone on the Internet turns when they need a crash course in a subject about which they know next-to-nothing: Wikipedia. They claim:
Many of his inventions (including a method for recharging the batteries in the ubiquitous radio) utilized coconuts and bamboo, both of which were in plentiful supply.
and
The Professor was portrayed as the most neutral and level-headed character. He usually displayed more patience with Gilligan than the other castaways, and was often called upon to settle disputes. As a result, he often served as the leader of the castaways whom the others respected because of his great store of knowledge, although the castaways rarely mentioned this.
and
On many occasions, he magically pulls out a book which has exactly the facts needed to fix or explain a particular problem they are having.
That would totally be my better half. So the name is sticking… here, at least.
